QUIT SCARING ME

Madden cries so hard that often times he makes himself pass out and it seems to be happening more and more. The last few episodes have been getting longer and longer and today's was so long it scared the crap out of me! I seriously thought I was going to have to do CPR on him. I know this happens to other kids too but goodness gracious child do you know what you do to your mother. Today Talan was wrestling with him a little too hard and he went down to the ground kind of hard. He was holding his breath so long with his cry, he first turned all blue which is typical, then all white then he gets all stiff and his body shakes and then he passes out and today I was freaking out screaming his name (like that would somehow help) and I was crying so hard b/c he was scaring me so bad. Talan and Deegan were like what is wrong mommy. Didn't mean to scare them too :( Of course afterwards he comes to and then he just lays in my arms awhile. Today I actually called the nurse to see if there is anything you can do to make your child snap out of it and take a breath before they pass out and she said unfortunately no but it doesn't damage them so that is good news. Anyways, Madden please stop scaring me! PS I wouldn't mind if you stopped sticking your hands down your pants when you go poop too. I can smell it and I promise I will change you I don't need to see it on your hands!!
One more sleep until camping - we have been counting down the sleeps with the boys, so we are off in the morning. Happy 4th to everyone!

MADDEN

I haven't written much about Madden on here yet. He is our sweet baby and will be 20 months in 2 days. He is a ball of energy and always on the go. He doesn't sit down for long. I think if he could choose one thing in this world to play with it would be shoes. Anyone who walks in the door he points at their feet and says "shoe" and waits for them to take them off and then he puts them on, no matter how big they are. The size of shoes he can walk around in is actually quite impressive. He will walk in my heals or Grandpa K's big shoes, it is pretty funny. He also loves hats. Anything he puts on his head he calls a hat. Even if he puts a little piece of paper on his head he says 'hat'. He took quite awhile to start saying words but now he can say; hat, shoe, up, down, door, ba ba (no he doesn't drink a bottle anymore but he calls his sippie a baba), hand, go, nana (banana), apple, dadda, mama, papa, all gone and maybe more but that is all I can think about now. He also can do the sign for all done and more. This may all be boring to you but it is nice for me to be able to look back and remember this stuff.

Madden rarely walks places, he always runs and it is so adorable. He loves to jump too and thinks it is so funny to jump up and then land on his butt. He wants to do whatever his big brothers do and I always tell them they need to be good examples but they haven't quite the hang of that yet, at least not all the time. If they scream, he does, if they try to climb up something, he is sure to follow and the list goes on.

He is a stinker when it comes to meal time and really likes to ask for things and then I make it and he throws it on the floor. Every meal I think I try at least 2 or 3 different things to feed him and every time I tell him I am going to give up on feeding him b/c I might as well skip a step and throw it right on the floor but of course, I don't give up. You can't right! It is our job, but it can be very frustrating.

He loves Roxy and loves to go sit on her or lay by her and kiss on her. Thankfully she is so laid back and she tolerates it and just walks away when she wants to be left alone.

Madden is very sweet but can definitely test our patience. He likes to throw things, anything he can get his hands on and he will throw them right at people when they aren't expecting it. It makes us really nervous around Baker and we have to always keep our eyes on him. Since Baker cannot defend himself, Madden has hurt him a few times and Baker cries and then Madden kisses him and then how can you stay mad at that. He has thrown something at my face and hurt me before and I get upset and he walks up and gives me a sweet little kiss and then it melts me.

Madden is going to grow up a tough little guy, how can you not when you grow up the youngest of 4 boys right! Talan and Deegan can be pretty hard on him and he usually takes it really well. Of course, like I said before, he wants to do whatever they are doing and they don't always want that (which I understand but try to tell them he has a short attention span so just let him play for a few minutes and he will move on) and they will sometimes just push him down and tell him to stay away. Doesn't faze the poor little guy though. Even though his brothers can be tough on him they love him so much and always try to hold him and cuddle with him.

I could go on and on about each of our boys but I will stop there for now. We are blessed to have Madden around and he provides us all with a lot of joy. Here are some sweet pictures of him.

FATHER'S DAY

So yesterday was Father's Day and we had a great day together. I am so thankful for the Father's in my life. My own Dad, my Father-in-law and of course my husband. I am so blessed to have each of them in my life. The boys are so lucky to have Jeromy as a daddy. He is so great with all of them. Jeromy is the hardest working and most generous man I know and I know he is passing those traits onto the boys along with showing them how to be tough and to always be there to help friends and family. If they turn out to be as good of a man as their daddy is I know the world will be a better place. They all love their daddy so much and I love to see them together, although really I hope they don't all turn out to be Daddy's boys b/c I need someone too :) Here is a picture of Jeromy and the boys. Madden was not happy about getting his picture taken at this moment. Jeromy cuddling with Baker on his new hammock that he got for Father's Day

Here is a picture of my dad with me, Brent and Dar.

Grandpa DeMeyer playing with the boys.

Grandpa Korthuis and the boys. Talan had been playing hard so he was a bit hot, that is the reason for his Rico Suave look :)

FIRESTATION VISIT

Talan and Deegan were sick when their preschool got to go on a field trip to the firestation so I took them in today for their own private visit. They were both so excited to go and couldn't stop talking about it and as soon as we got out of the car Talan started bawling and clinging to me. Both boys are incredibly shy but usually Deegan is the one that has a much harder time with being around people then Talan does, but certainly not this time. I thought as soon as we got in there and he could see the firetrucks that all would be well, but no. He clung to me the entire time and even cried a lot of it too. Deegan enjoyed himself and sat in the drivers seat, turned the lights on, put the fireman hat on, held an ax and learned all about everything we saw. I was very sad for Talan, he didn't get to enjoy any of it. As you can see below, Talan wouldn't even let go of me long enough to get his picture taken. So by looking at pictures it looks like Deegan was at the firestation alone. At least one of them had a good time. Here are some pics of Deegan.

GRADUATION

My nephew, Dakota, graduated from Meridian last night. This is a picture of him and my sister. I still remember the day he was born and I remember him being about preschool age and him getting a sweatshirt that said Class of 2010 on the back and I thought it was hilarious b/c it seemed so incredibly far away. Well wow, it is here. I can't believe he has gotten so much older and I haven't aged a bit...he he :)

At the start of graduation last night the Seniors of course walk in and we all watch. Well there was one Senior in a wheelchair (he appeared to be injured and not have anything serious going on) but the sight of him made me teary and for the first half of graduation I was working on holding back those tears b/c all I could think about was Baker. First of all, I am very aware that he is not suppose to make it to a very old age (but I refuse to believe this) so I imagined his class being there without him and how horrible that would be. Since I really refuse to believe that we are going to lose him I shortly there after went off in lala land and I pictured him in that wheelchair being wheeled in by his friends and having everyone stand up and cheer for him b/c he defied all the odds and made it to 18 years old and was able to be in school and graduate with his class. Ok snap out of it right. This was Dakota's day but it was hard not to think about Baker.

Seriously though, how are you suppose to live with the fear of losing your child every day? I have had people tell me to just not think about it, well I wish it was that easy. No, I don't dwell on it every day, I am not negative but I have my fears that creap up and I don't now how I am not suppose to. I do not wish this upon anyone. Dealing with a serious illness changes your lives forever, in some ways things change for the better I guess. You appreciate things that you may not have before but it also gives you this constant fear that you can't get out of the back of your mind. Even though you may not understand it please do not tell me to just not think about it or get over it because it is just not that simple. I hope you never really understand where I am coming from, b/c I don't want you to feel this for yourselves.

I really am not Debbie Downer all the time, so this is not going to be a depressing blog but it does feel good to be able to write about these things from time to time so bear with me.

THAT FEELING

I am reminded today, and so many other days, what an amazing feeling it is to walk up to your child and have them reach their arms up to you saying they want you to hold them and then when you pick them up how amazing it feels to have them wrap those precious little arms and legs tightly around you. I don't think I would understand just how amazing it really felt without having a child that cannot do any of those things. How I long to have Baker reach to me or oh my goodness how heavenly it would feel to have him reach his arms around me and hug me. It brings tears to my eyes b/c I want it so bad but of course I understand it is not something that is really important and we are lucky to have him but that doesn't mean I can't long for it. Maybe God will bless us someday with him gaining those abilities and wow, what a treasure that would be. For now I will just continue to feel his love through his smile and what a wonderful smile it is.

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF....

You might be a redneck if...your 4 wheeler looks like this. The little ones get to ride in carseats and Talan and Deegan ride holding onto Daddy. This is a treat for all of them, Daddy too I think. They look so cute and have so much fun. The umbrella was a new addition yesterday b/c it got so hot and we have to be super careful with Baker in the sun.

HERE WE GO

I am not good at taking the time to write in a journal or diary and wanted to be able to jot down some memories so figured this would be a good way to do that. Our friends and family can read about Baker's medical news on his CB site and now this will be a window into our everyday lives with the rest of the rug rats over here for those of you who want to check it out...or even just for me being able to hold onto memories b/c my memory is not so tip top these days!

Talan and Deegan had their last day of preschool yesterday. They still have one more year left but this was the last day with Teacher Leslie. They seemed to really enjoy it and they made some great friends, especially Carson and Cody. Boy do I never hear the end of them talking about Carson! Unfortunately Cody will be in Kindergarten next year and Carson will be back with Teacher Leslie so all our time with them will have to be through playdates. Here is a picture of the fabulous foursome.

Madden is just a crazy little guy who loves attention and if he is not getting enough he will surely let you know! He loves to scream really loud and the boys think it is hilarious and kind of egg it on but it really hurts Mommy and Daddy's ears! Madden loves to be outside and really is a different boy when he is out there. I am looking forward to some nice sunny days so we can be out there more. We are lucky to have a lot of room outside for the boys to play!

Baker is still the happiest thing ever. I am having a hard time getting him to wear his glasses with the patch on them, or even without the patch. He really is just so fast and hooking those suckers right off!

These 4 boys are the biggest blessings we could ask for. They can go from being the most difficult, challenging things one moment to the sweetest, most loving boys the next. I try to take a lot of deep breaths during the stressful moments and a lot of smiles during the sweet moments.