Wednesday, June 16, 2010


My nephew, Dakota, graduated from Meridian last night. This is a picture of him and my sister. I still remember the day he was born and I remember him being about preschool age and him getting a sweatshirt that said Class of 2010 on the back and I thought it was hilarious b/c it seemed so incredibly far away. Well wow, it is here. I can't believe he has gotten so much older and I haven't aged a bit...he he :)

At the start of graduation last night the Seniors of course walk in and we all watch. Well there was one Senior in a wheelchair (he appeared to be injured and not have anything serious going on) but the sight of him made me teary and for the first half of graduation I was working on holding back those tears b/c all I could think about was Baker. First of all, I am very aware that he is not suppose to make it to a very old age (but I refuse to believe this) so I imagined his class being there without him and how horrible that would be. Since I really refuse to believe that we are going to lose him I shortly there after went off in lala land and I pictured him in that wheelchair being wheeled in by his friends and having everyone stand up and cheer for him b/c he defied all the odds and made it to 18 years old and was able to be in school and graduate with his class. Ok snap out of it right. This was Dakota's day but it was hard not to think about Baker.

Seriously though, how are you suppose to live with the fear of losing your child every day? I have had people tell me to just not think about it, well I wish it was that easy. No, I don't dwell on it every day, I am not negative but I have my fears that creap up and I don't now how I am not suppose to. I do not wish this upon anyone. Dealing with a serious illness changes your lives forever, in some ways things change for the better I guess. You appreciate things that you may not have before but it also gives you this constant fear that you can't get out of the back of your mind. Even though you may not understand it please do not tell me to just not think about it or get over it because it is just not that simple. I hope you never really understand where I am coming from, b/c I don't want you to feel this for yourselves.

I really am not Debbie Downer all the time, so this is not going to be a depressing blog but it does feel good to be able to write about these things from time to time so bear with me.


  1. Oh Amy, it is impossible NOT to think about it every day! Even if you don't dwell on it, it is always there, making you cry and feel sad at weird times.
    Nobody should lose a child or face the possibility of it, it is too painful.
    Thinking of you and praying for you always!
    And wow, I can't believe Dakota is 18, I remember him being at your house when we were in high school and he was just a little guy. It is funny how we haven't aged at all!
    Love ya,

  2. Don't feel bad about what you write, we will all follow your blog, and continue to pray for you no matter what! Your blog is about you and Baker's condition is a reality and I can't even imagine what goes through your head on a daily basis. Thanks for sharing, I have so much respect for you as a mom and a person. Praying always...Julie

  3. (((HUGS))) amy you are amazing. as for people.. well sometimes they need to just keep their mouths shut and not try and tell you not to think about it and that "it will be okay" b/c it is not okay and it's ok to be real about that. love ya.